Good marriages (partnerships) are comprised of the following ingredients:
TRUST:
This is the main ingredient for a good and healthy partnership as it enables us to open our innermost self to our partner. Trust can only be established by consistently acting in a reliable and predictable fashion, by being truthful to and dealing fairly with one another. Trust is essential as it allows us to let our partner know who we are (warts and all) in the faith that he or she will treat this knowledge with the respect this courageous step deserves. Without trust, a marriage/partnership cannot survive.
ACCEPTANCE:
Acceptance means honoring our partner despite their differences in personality and character, despite their individual complexities, idiosyncrasies, and flaws. Acceptance means recognizing that just because we are different from our partner does not make us any better or worse than them – we all have flaws and require our partner’s willingness to accept our frailties as much as they require our willingness to accept theirs. Whilst trust is the only soil in which the fragile flower of partnership can be planted successfully, acceptance is the fertilizer without which the flower will eventually wither and die.
REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS:
When we first enter a love relationship we rarely think about the fact that all relationships have their “up” and “down” times. However, we'd like to know that regardless of how well we get along initially, so as to make a healthy long-term partnership or marriage we'll get to make adjustments and sacrifices. We need to be prepared to see the world through our partner’s eyes and help him/her to see the world through ours. We need to learn to negotiate conflict issues and be willing to agree to disagree in certain areas. We need to simply accept that having a healthy partnership doesn't just happen, but requires TIME, COMMITMENT and diligence.
RESPECT:
This is a vital ingredient for any relationship and is particularly important for the creation of a happy, healthy and satisfying marriage. It means treating our partner the way we wish to be treated ourselves. It means respecting them as an individual with their own thoughts, feelings, beliefs, values, strengths, and frailties even when they differ from our own. It means never making fun of or belittling any of their qualities. It also means dealing with relationship conflicts in non-threatening and non-manipulative ways and never using their frailties as a weapon against them.
TOGETHERNESS:
Achieving a sense of togetherness has much to do with TIME. It requires taking the time to get to know our partner (warts and all); scheduling time to discuss our relationship challenges and action any agreements we might have made. It means making time to try to “fun stuff” together. It also means making any effort necessary to make sure our partner feels precious, cherished and nurtured. this is often best achieved by learning each other’s love language.
SEPARATENESS:
As important as it is to achieve a sense of ‘togetherness’ it is also to retain a measure of ‘separateness’. This means understanding and accepting that whilst we’ve chosen to travel life’s journey hand-in-hand, we are neither inseparably entwined with each other nor do we cling to each other as ivy clings to a wall. In another word, we retain healthy personal boundaries that allow us to say ‘yes’ and ‘no’ when appropriate and give the other the freedom necessary to retain their individuality. It means having and pursuing individual interests and giving our partner time and space to do the same. A partnership that does not honor the separateness quickly becomes stifling, overwhelming and toxic. It becomes co-dependent.
COMMUNICATION
Effective communication is a two-way street that has a number of components. It requires an ability to verbalize our thoughts and feelings in a non-threatening way and a willingness to listen in a way that lets our partner know that he/she has been heard and understood. It requires an openness to their experience, and the ability to acknowledge their opinions (whether we share them or not) and a tolerance for their differences. Talking together enables us to share our innermost thoughts and feelings. It is the means by which we demonstrate respect, by which we encourage and affirm our partner and let them know if we feel that things aren’t right between us. It further enables us to effectively deal with conflicts and allows us to verbalize our needs and wants as well as our hopes and dreams. Communication is the key to all or any healthy, successful relationships.
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